earth looks nice from the clouds

The day started to the soothing tones of an alarm at 6:07. Getting ready was easy. Breakfast was skipped as plans were to eat in the orbiteria (the cafeteria here at Orbital). A drive to work with faint traces of a rising sun was ever so relaxing. My state of mind was entirely unprepared for the day ahead of me.

Much to my surprise I was not the first intern to march in to work today. Alexis beat me by about two minutes. A race I found myself very content in having lost. Her discovery of a way to listen to music while at her desk brought her to the conclusion that Today is going to be a great day. Chit chat filled the first few minutes in the office, but I knew I probably had an e-mail waiting for me, and just had to go check. I had no idea that a simple e-mail could have such an amazing effect on me. Yes, it was from her. The effect was immediate. Alexis saw that it was ever so clear that I was on cloud nine, and that I was most definitely not going to get anything done today. She was absolutely right. I couldn't contain myself any longer, so I proceeded to tell her more about our relationship. Of course in my account Alexis inserted many awws. When I was done she reminded me, "Told you today was going to be a great day."

On that note I figured I would march on down to the orbiteria. As I walked up to the door I found out that it was closed till after New Years, which makes sense since most sane people don't work between Christmas and New Years. Desperately needing food I was plotting a back up plan when Alexis offered me the Dunkin Donuts Berry Bagel. It was glorious. Until this morning I actually didn't know Dunkin Donuts had bagels, but thanx to Alexis I have been enlightened. Thanx much yo!

The following hours were basically spent surfing the web. I found many very interesting things.


My home town as of right now. I love it when it floods in St.Mark Square. I mean really, isn't that awesome?


I swear, I was not adopted. This is my grandfather and me. Never mind the fact I'm a foot taller.

The surfing brought me down to earth a little bit, thus I felt it safe to listen to the brain once again. My conclusion from all of this was that God chooses to bless His children tremendously. Granted I didn't deserve any of this. I didn't deserve love, but it still happened. Once again a reminder that things still happen regardless of our conduct.

bohemian vagabond

"Where is your home?" asked my four-year-old brother. My fumbled answer left him as confused as before. The reality of the matter is that I have no home. I have come of age to leave the family. I no longer belong under my father's roof. My days at my collegiate home are nearly over as crossing the stage in a robe will happen in little over four months. As of now my home is my car. Actually, that's not even mine, it's my parent's, my car is dead.

The phenomenon of being a vagabond is a great one. Christmas break has evidenced my nack for being a successful homeless twenty-one year old. Every day the car takes me to work, regardless of my state of my mind, I still find myself walking through the front doors of the building I work in every morning. Often I wonder how I get here every day, because I usually don't remember the trip here. Leaving work simply means I will spend hours in my car. Hours that don't usually imply gas consumption. My cell phone consistenly accompanies the nearing end of the day as I park in neighborhoods foreign to me and talk to the princess. My head meets the pillow in the house of people I know barely beyond a name. Few of my belongings abode in the room designated as mine. Most of what I brought with me on break rarely leaves the car for very long.

Weekends are the best, leaving work is directly followed by a two hour trip to my parents house. It is becoming less and less my home. My preference is to be a guest over being a resident. Comments from the parental figures about how the car is a mess are frequent. Their opinion is that I should not keep so much in the car. It appears messy. If I don't keep my things in the car, where would I keep my stuff? I have no home, and I love it.

"Outcast! I am an outcast...I am a vagabond to the bottom of my heart." - Jehan Frollo du Moulin in The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Music is Emotion

“Here [I am] to sing you a song.” – Finch

A small room poorly lit. Opaque paint on the walls chipping off here and there. The amps are all facing the drum set. The lead singer is cornered behind the high hat. His screams don’t need a mike to be heard by the band. Energy flows from the desperation of the feelings overwhelming the lyrics. In spite of the quasi-anger they’re all having fun. The guitarist loves his riff. The bass is being wailed upon. I can see smiles as they tightly hold on to the rhythm. They don’t need an audience, the simple fact they are playing together is good enough. Having twelve square feet, a few amps and drums gives the sound they love. A mosh-pit, screaming girls, and T-shirts is optional if not despised. Playing for mere pleasure is how true music happens.

Yes, I think Finch is an amazing band. I totally agree with Justin on this one. I get so much out of their music. Actually, I get so much out of music in general. Two days ago my Dad commented, “you really enjoy music way more than I do.” The crazy thing is that he is amazingly gifted musically. He can really sing. I have close to no natural musical talent, but I absolutely love to listen and play music. It invades my thoughts and my soul. It permeates into all of my being. Lyrics of a song speak to me a thousand times louder than any superb piece of literature. The emotion conveyed by a chord progression gives true meaning to words. I wish I could really transmit to all of you what music really is but “the limits of my language” prevent me from really communicating how I feel. But in music not even language can stop emotion from flowing.

The Mystical Portal

"Only music mattered." - Chumbawamba

I'm pretty sure that Counting Crows were meant to be listened to in the cold. Even though I find myself inside I can see my breath just listening to them. I picture them playing bundled in heavy winter jackets and gloves. I can see the lead singers breath comin out in rithym with the lyrics. I can see them crowded around a fire housed in a tin trash can. I think the mental picture belongs on a corner in Manhattan. I can see a yellow cab pull up as the passenger window goes down allowing some Indian cab driver to briefly enjoy the relaxing tunes of an almost happy nature. And of course the lyrics are being picked up by a microphone dating no later than 1958. Alright, now I want to go to New York and just chill exposing myself to the delightful music of a street performer.

This is the effect music has on me. The ability to keep my mind from wandering where it wants is beyond me. Is everybody like this? What effect does music have on you? Does it spark your imagination? Do you sometimes find yourself walking through a jungle? Have you ever seen the Gobi desert? Have you ever crossed Australia? Have you ever stared satan in the face and seen his fear of you because of what you have inside? For me all this is possible and has been done because of a portal we call music.

Lost in the Crowd

Sitting in a mall. Sounds of Christmas are in the air. Thought of sipping on a shake ran through my mind, and the price convinced me out of it. I'm completely surrounded by mothers and teenagers that had too much time on their hands and still waited till now to do their Christmas shopping. They all have their own lives, and their own problems. Nobody cares what the person next to them is thinking or going through. One lady almost spilt the remainders of her dinner all over me on the way to the trash. Everybody is focused on themselves. Am I this way too? Do I care that little about the world around me? I think so. I am that detached to be able to sit here and write as though I were by myself. I've allowed myself to become americanized. I've been abducted.

"I don't want to feel this way forever." - Thursday

the weather outside is delightful

Residing up North for the Christmas season, to me, seems to be the only way to go. Not only is it a necessity to cover myself with my jacket (perhaps my favorite piece of clothing), but my face is cold when I come inside. The times are often when the need to drink hot chocolate overcomes me. Holding a big cermaic mug as I play cards with my mother is a memory that has been immortalized in my mind. Smelling chocolaty goodness in the air is much better when I can see my breath. Seeing white snow on the sides of the road as I drive to work at unearthly hours makes my morning commute worth while. Standing outside with my arms around a princess, watching snow flakes fall in silence, is etched forever in the depths of my memories. Seagulls flying over the Chesapeake remind me of how wonderful it is to have lining in my jacket. A cozy house has much more meaning if the outdoors are frigid.

Sitting and formatting word documents is not nearly as appealing as blogging. I guess they are paying me to edit their "pieces of literature," not write my own. Any distractions in comment form are appreciated though =D

a freak

today, for the first time since i've been in college, a proclaimed non-christian friend asked if i was a virgin. without hesitation i replied, "yes, i choose to be." at this point the gears in the brain started moving fast, and the following entry is a result of such thinking.

i'm a punk. i'm a hippy. i'm a witch

i stood in tienamen square
i rode with the bolshevic's
i stormed the bastille

i shot a redcoat
i puked on the mayflower
i posted the 95 theses

i was burned at the stake
i stood an egg on end
i believed in a round earth

i spoke on mount carmel
i layed and ate crap
i called fire from heaven

i shot a king in the back
i drove a spear through a head
i stood up to pharaoh

i am called to rebel

crash test dummy

I screwed up. I let a lot of people down. I haven't really slept in a long time. I don't think I will be able to sleep till I get everything done. I have developed this crazy complex. I have to get everything done before I sleep. I know there are many people that are like this always, but I'm not.

Last night my whole world came crashing down. I thank God he sent one of His angels to rescue me. Today, I have refound that peace and joy from God. Yes, I am still in a million pieces, but at least I'm on the right track to put my puzzle back together.

"Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep piling
up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountains is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace."
-Five Iron Frenzy

Cogito, ergo Sum - Descartes

Which way is up? Which way is down? How am I supposed to know?
I'm just some confused guy that doesn't have enough time to think.
For the next week every minute of my time is accounted for.
So much goin on. Much more than just school.
My future is in limbo. I don't even have plans anymore.
Where am I supposed to be headed?
College is the most permanent thing that has ever happened to me.
I am now swamped.
I don't have time to think about these things.
But if I don't think, do I cease to exist?
Descartes was on to something.
I used to think, therefore I was.
What am I now? I still want to think.
I guess I still do think. I guess i still "am."

how to impress a girl

- the following is based on experience and written while sleep deprived -

First of all, when dealing with a special friend it is imperative to be ready mentally. I suggest pulling an all-nighter. It seems to definitely allow us guys to think much better. While pulling this all-nighter, encourage her to stay up too. Not necessarily in the same place, but at least in a way that you can communicate (IM is preferrable). A good place to do this would definitely be the CADlabs in Glaske, because there is no phone, and odds are she is not going to happen to come by there. Therefore, you will find yourself with only two ways of communication with the outerworld: close-to-stupid-comment-safe e-mail, and immediate-response-necessary instant messenger.

While pulling this all-nighter, if you are this lucky, this girl and her roommate may happen to plot a mischievious plan. And being the amazing strategist they probably are they will tell you and try to get your input on such a plan. They will convince you to cooperate under certain conditions. They will get your vow of silence on the matter. And then they will show up with the sorriest excuse of a militia and try to kidnap you and your partners. You will probably surprise both the girl and her roommate by freeing yourself from the tentacles of four very scary engineering students. You will get in trouble for not cooperating and allowing yourself to be kidnapped peacefully. However, on the upside, they will probably have a massive stash of delicious cookies waiting for you, and you will be forced to eat them. Life is rough.

Throughout the night, it is definitely advisable to keep in touch on a regular basis. You can both make it through the night if you work together.

The following day (if it can be called such since there never really was a night as in a time to sleep) you should continue to work on your project and not talk to the girl at all other than maybe one e-mail. When you are finally absolutely sick of staring a powerpoint and excel. When you finally realize your brain is absolutely useless. Go talk to her. If you're lucky, she will be taking a nap, and you will wake her up. Since neither of you are in any kind of functional state you will have a conversation in the cold that makes no sense resolving only to go to your respective rooms and talk on the phone. Talking on the phone will probalby get you a date for dinner!

At this point, it is most advisable to catch some Zs. So take a good 20 minute nap, that should make up for the many hours you did not sleep the night before.

Now that you are well rested head on out. Pick a quality place to eat. Fazoli's is a great choice. Especially because you probalby have a YAC card, and you can buy one entree and get one free. Most excellent!! Since, at this moment, you probably don't have any ability within you to make choices just order the same thing she orders. Make sure she knows how much you are spending on this fine meal. Make sure she knows it is costing you five dollars and eight cents.

After the delightful meal, drive her back to her apartment. When you drop her off, make sure she knows that you are in a hurry to get to your volleyball game. This way she will understand why you barely even stopped long enough for her to get out of the car. She will also understand why you just take off immediately before she's even left the middle of the street.

After your volleyball game, you should probably go talk to her. See what's up. So, to keep with the theme of ur sleep deprival, go back to your room and IM her. Have a short virtual conversation that will get you to be together in person. Take her to a nice romantic type place, like the laundromat. Yes, the laundromat is most definitely a great place to go and just chill. You can both sit on different dryers. It will be a wonderful experience as your butts will shake to the rhythim of drying clothes. And, if you happen to have this skill, make her a hemp necklace. Make it right there in front of her, so she sees how much effort it takes on your part. This way she sees how much you really sacrifice for her happiness. Fortunately, you are sleep deprived beyond imagination by now, so conversation doesnt' tend to follow much of a pattern or logic or depth, that is assuming your regular conversations have at least one of these elements from time to time.

Your evening is not just about complete. Walk her back to her apartment, and then go back to yours. Talk to her ever so briefly again on IM, and come to the conclusion that your evening would not be complete without blogging. Ask her for ideas for topics. Take one of those ideas to a whole new level, and start writing. You could maybe even write something like what you just read.

- yep, i know sometin about girls, let me tell ya -

gone fishin

"I am not a prize to be won." - Princess Jasmine

Yes, I found yet another soap box to stand on. For those of you who did not know I just recently started "dating" someone (you rawk Bethany). It's been great. But that's not really what I have to talk about tonight. It's everybody else's comments on the matter that just throw me for a loop.

In the last week I've received many "compliments" on the matter. A common one was "nice catch." What is this? Fishing? Come on people. I didn't "catch" her. She didn't "catch" me. As I recall, it was a mutual decision. We were both there for the whole "DTR".

"I remember this one time she needed to get into the labs. So I unlocked them for her because I thought she was cute. Good job Burns!"

The above statement is what really got to me. Good job Burns? What? Seriously people, I didn't do anything extraordinary. I don't recall doing anything in an attempt to impress her so she would go out with me. I didn't catch her. We are together because we are both interested in each other.

The matter just bugs me. I realize that it's probably just part of the language. Perhaps my issue is just the fact that I did not grow up in the country, so little sayings like these have real meaning to me. Any enlightening comments that might remotely save my view of this society?

Philosophy is Stupid Day

I'm pretty sure I just happened to miss the memo about this. Obviously Monday November 18 was the official Philosophy is stupid day. In a few different places this was confirmed.

We should not study world philosophy because it will influence our minds. We Christians are too weak in our beliefs to deal with challenges to our faith, thus we must avoid all challenges at all costs. We will blindly believe whatever the "more educated" tell us. If we happen to hear that a certain philosophy is "evil" we will blame the worlds problems on it. Ignorance sets us apart.

10:25 AM
I went to chapel. I knew that Dr.Sumrall would be speaking. I went anyway: alternate reasons =D] My attitude heading into chapel was not good. I expected a bad message. I expected a message that would not do anything for me as a person. My roommate chose to not go for the same reasons i had a bad attitude about chapel.

When I got to chapel, I knew I had a bad attitude. I knew God was not pleased with this attitude. I wanted to change it. I tried hard, I prayed that God would change my heart, especially during worship, but Doug Wilcoxsons singing was not helping. I could not sing along with that man. I wanted to. It was such a great song. But I just could not do it. So I prayed instead. I prayed until we were instructed to seat ourselves. I was determined to pay attention to Sumrall. I was going to listen to what he had to say.

I discovered that paying attention in a Sumrall chapel develops a much worse attitude than doing homework. By the time he walked up to the podium the entire row i was sitting in had buried itself in some book or notebook, as homework was, to them, a much better option. Except for one guy who was out cold.

Starting off by saying that Hume, Kant, and Nietzsche are to blame for the loss of truth was definitely a bad idea. He accused the three of them of killing truth. Has Sumrall ever read any of their works? Does he know anything about them? I found out later that the moment good ol' Glen mentioned Nietzsche one of my apartment mates looked over my way knowing that this was not going to be a chapel I took peacefully. See, I'm fairly animate about philosophy. I especially enjoy Nietzsche. He had some great things to say. Anyway, back to chapel.

"My purpose here is to...blah blah blah..." - Glen Sumrall [he never finished the sentence. Did he have a purpose?]

The irony of Sumrall accusing an audience of not thinking was great. I guess he didn't realize that we all thought ahead and knew he wouldn't supply us with any valuable food for thought. We all had such a bad attitudes. Nothing Sumrall said was of any interest to me. But I was determined to pay attention. God put people like Glen and Bud as our chapel speakers for a reason. And I really think there has to be more of a reason than for us to get chapel credit. I have no idea what that reason may be, but it's out there.

"I'm a very emotional person." - Glen Sumrall's attempts to connect to us. A very random statement actually. There was no connection to anything else he said. He just interjected that statement in there, no idea why actually.

I particularly enjoyed the fact that Sumrall treated us like kindergardners. I always like feeling like I'm in a Knoop class again [did i just type that?]. His whole point that we must do "christian thinking" was great. To the best of my understanding he was saying that all of our thoughts must in some way relate to God or Salvation...ok, i will stop here, i could write forever more on this point and how terrible chapel was. But, I lived through it, and my whole Biomechanics class heard how highly i valued chapel today. But i got over it, and went on with my day. I went to chapel with a bad attitude, hoped to change it, and left with a much worse attitude.

2:35 PM
Linear Algebra is upon me again. Dr.Rodent starts his devotional by saying that chapel inspired him. That was most definitely one of the worst ways he could have started his devotional. He then proceeded to state:

"I believe Nietzsche was the cause for the World Wars." - Dr.Rodent

The whole point of his devo was that philosophy is bad. We should not study philosophy. If we study philosophy we will let the devil into our minds. We will be letting our guard down. Philosophy brings evil into our lives and our way of thinking. We should only read the Bible. and on and on...his devo lasted like 30 mins. He really got into it. It took everything within me to not argue with him about it. I bit my tongue the entire time.

I cannot believe how dumb Sumrall and Rodent think we are and expect us to be. If i only engage in "christian thinking" will i become like them? Do I have a really bad attitude about this? Is there something wrong with me...or is it that they are "close-minded bigots" and they have nothing valuable to teach us?

by reading this entry you will probably find yourself confused

“Standin' on your mama's porch
You told me that you'd wait forever
Oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life”
– Bryan Adams

ah, the thoughts in the head: so many, so fast moving, so confusing. What to do with this head of mine? At least things have been easier now. I really hate to play that game where you're not supposed to show your feelings because other people might figure out what you're feeling. Now it's all out in the open. So that certainly makes life easier....man, it's late again, and I should probalby get workin on a certain project which is due next week, and I haven't really started yet. But really, I will actually clear up all the ambiguity i created in this entry, i'm just feelin tired now.

"Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set."

=D

Oh wow, a lot has happened since i last blogged. but since i'm not feeling terribly motivated to write anything deep right now, and i have so much that i could write I think i will postpone such an occurence until later on. However, for the benefit of all you simpson fans out there, and perhaps some that aren't, I included the following quote, which reminds me of how we don't understand ourselves all that well, but it's ok!!

“You remind me of a poem I can’t remember,
and a song that may never have existed
and a place I’m not sure I’ve ever been to
[Marge - 'that's beautiful']
I feel all funny inside
I’m in love!
No…wait…it’s a stroke.”
– Abe Simpson

peace like a river flows

"I wallow in despair as I deal with a life that is not my own.
I wallow in God as I deal with a life that was given to me."
-Warwick Theosoph

God is so amazing! For a long time I had been trying to do things on my own. I had a perfect plan. I knew what I wanted. I knew where i was going. I had forgotten how many times I tried to take charge of my life and failed miserably. I had forgotten the true meaning behind being "called to be clueless". I had been lost. I was wandering aimlessly. I thought I knew where I was and where I was going. I was just lying to myself. Deep down I knew I had no idea what the future was going to hold. Last night God flipped my world upside down. I now know nothing! The closest thing to knowing what my future holds is knowing where i'm going for thanksgiving. Now that I realized how clueless I am, I am filled with overabunding peace =D

stereotypes

OK, so i really dislike stereotypes, but my roommate read me the following and it was way to funny to pass up...I mean really it's so true =D ...

WHAT IS A CAT?
(According to a man)

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in fur coats.

WHAT IS A DOG?
(According to a woman)

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and
then try to give you a kiss.

CONCLUSION: They are little men in fur coats

Oh, and then this one too.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

poetry is not my forte

Today I was extremely tired, especially in Machine Design. I could not focus at all; therefore, to avoid falling asleep i decided to write a poem. Well, I'm calling it a poem, even though there is nothing poetic about it. The end of this poem was actually written by Eric Martin, who was bored out of his mind in class.

I think i'm evolving
My eye-lids are becoming transparent

I must be awake
I can see people, and talk to them too

I must be asleep
I'm care free, and nothing makes sense

I look attentive
I sit in class and nod at the right times

I can't focus
Takes me several minutes to tell time

I'm loosing depth perception
The whiteboard is coming at me

Logic is no longer mine
This poem makes no sense

--beginning of Eric's contribution--

So, if you have something ugly
Just make a bigger one of the same thing and it will be cute

I dont' know why teachers think we know what they are talking about
It's pretty obvious to me that no one has any idea

It's good that teachers write notes on the board
So that they don't notic how boring their classes are.

sleeping and eating

Since I've been in college, I have had one consistent rule

"Sleeping and Eating are very important, must always be getting plenty of at least one of them."

This week i seem to have forgotten my rule. First of all, I have always had a problem remebering to eat. It's not that I don't like eating, I just manage to forget fairly consistently. For example, Monday I decided i would cook for myself as opposed to subjecting myself to inhaling grease. So I got busy and never did cook. I then headed out to our volleyball game and I do remember, on the way, I felt hungry, but the thought slipped my mind due to the excitement of volleyball. The rest of that evening was fairly eventful (if you don't know what happened just scroll further down and read about it). Anyway, I completely forgot to eat. I was up fairly late that night for the second night in a row, and I got up at an insanely early time. Thus not sleeping much. Tuesday, I just ran out of time to eat lunch...so I didn't. What is wrong with me? Do other people have this problem too? I mean I seem to forget to eat an average of two to three meals week. The only reason I notice that I didn't eat is because I end up being amazingly hungry.

Anyway, on the sleep matter. Yeah, so that hasn't been happening much either. As of last night I had slept something like 7 or 8 hours in the previous 72. Yeah, so there I was trying to read a technical paper...ha...that wasn't happening. I'm pretty sure the words on the page got up and started dancing around my room. So I went to bed at 10 and got up at 4 to continue my reading. Now I feel relatively rested. I did go to breakfast this morning. I think it is probably a bad thing when you're totally exhausted, and you're shaking because you haven't eaten in a while. So I will try to remember to eat, as in the next two weeks sleep will not happen very often. Anyway...I just thought I would try to remind you guys to sleep from time to time, and don't forget to eat too (that is if you have problems like I do, and forget regularly).

"Sleep...now that's where I'm a Viking" - Ralph Wiggum

a monday in the life of burns

yes...today was an absolutely wonderful day!! I got up at 5:30 this morning. Did some work for Dr.G, and got it done quickly. I then figured that since I was up that early i might as well go to morning prayer which is at 6:30 every Monday. Yes, that was a shameless plugin =D Prayer was so grea this morning. I was so blessed by God today!! I even went to breakfast this morning after prayer...and that was cool cuz I had breakfast with Adam Watson. That was excellent because I got a great quote of him, the following is not a typo.

"I am going to revilize the business world."- Adam Watson

Turns out I am not the only one who gets his words twisted (yes, Dave you know wut i'm talkin about). Anyway, classes as usual kept me busy most of the rest of the day. Got my quality hour of sleep in Linear Algebra!

This evening has been rather exciting in itself. I did catch up a little on sleep tonight, and then headed out ot a volley ball game. I totally love volley ball. I get really intense in the game. And well, tonight we won. Wahoo. Ok, so we beat 1A, but hey...we still won! Then festivities began for me. Got back to 41 and well, a ponding of Forrest was mandatory, and that went well. But the real reason i went up there was to pond my brother. As of today he can have an ebay account. Yes, he turned 18. Anyway, he was no where to be found so i told the guys to call me when he got in.

About an hour later i get a call and run up there in the rain. When he saw me coming he figured out what was going on. A little confusion happened in the hall as guys were gathering. And i heard sounds that sounded much like the sounds a bibi gun makes when being loaded. So i promptly run through the bathroom into his room and there he is sitting in his window firing away. It was clear to me at this point he had all intentions to jump out the window (note this is the second floor). Only his feet were still in the room, most of his body was out the window. So being the loving brother I am i dove after him grabbing onto his torso. At this point most of his body is out the window, and half of mine is too. I look down and there is Odder running as though he's going to catch us as we fall. Not really sure what he was thinking as we would have probably killed him as we landed on him. Anyway, after about a minute of struggle I manage to yank him back inside, and 6 other guys pounce on the oppurtunity to grab one of his extremities.

The ponding from then on was fairly typical. He ended up in the pond. The interesting part is still to come. See, now that 41 is in the almighty fortress of Thomas it is just about impossible to get in without a card. Obviously my brother does not have a card on him: he was just ponded. So he comes up to the door, and I let him in. He then proceeded to tackle me. Ah yes, and interesting wrestling match it was. Being extremely stubborn brothers neither of us was really ever planning on giving up. So we went at it for a while, and all anyone of the other 15 people in the lounge could say was "watch out for the couches!"

Anyway, we had a good time, all ended on good terms. He did get a really good grip on my trachea, so i may sound a little funny tommorow, but hey: wutever! It was all worth it.

So today I did not have much time to think, so I don't really have anything of true significance to share. But hey, it was a great day!

"Your backpack is like underwear." - Betsy Hunt

Oh...and Super Mario is Communist.

dating?

“There is no emoticon for what I am feeling.” – Comic Book Guy

I do wanna preface this blog by saying that i did go on a date this weekend and it went well, my date was great and none of the following is inspired by her actions.

The fact that after 21 years of my life I finally succumbed to going on a date really made me think. So for some crazy reason i thought i would talk to a friend (which i am dubbing Pancho) about this matter and what is really supposed to happen on a date and what does happen on a date. I have come to a conclusion. Before you hear my thoughts I will explain what was explained to me.

According to Pancho, two people go on a date to find out more about each other to know if this is a person that they would be interested in marrying. If two people of opposite sexes are friends before they go on a date things are different on the date. When on a date the relationship is changed. If friends before, during you are no longer "just friends." This is a big factor in a female's mind during the date, thus things get kinda weird especially on the "first date." As time goes on the interaction becomes more natural, but at least at the beginning, in dating, things are weird. This is all according to Pancho. I'm just some stupid pseudo-euro-trash novice, so I just have to take what people tell me about the matter. However, my roommate says that this is not always the case, and in some isolated instances two people can go on a date as "just friends" and be that the whole way through it.

What i have to say on this matter is that american culture is retarted. I mean seriously, how can a relationship between two people be dependent on context? That is mad retarted. If two people are "just friends," than they are "just friends" wherever they are, even if out on a date. If two people are "special friends," and because of this they date then they are definitely more than friends. My understanding is that on date you do a lot of pretending, and guessing what the other person is thinking. At the same time you don't want to communicate too much to the other person. The reason for this is that they are trying to guess what you are thinking, and if you communicate too much, they will think you are moving too fast, and that would be bad. So as you are being interested in the other person, trying to get to know them better, and guessing what they are thinking, you are trying to not communicate too much or too little. Does anyone else see how if everyone does this then dating is pointless? Is it not clear that if you are trying to hide something or pretend something you are not really being you, and the other person is not really getting to know you? How are you supposed to get to know the other person if they're not really being them?

There are good chances that the true concept of dating is escaping me, but I think this whole thing doesn't make any sense. Perhaps some of you have some insight for me. I would greatly appreciate the help, as at this point my opinion of american culture is plumetting rapidly. What ever happened to getting to know someone by being their friend? I am not Josh Harris, and I have not Kissed dating Goodbye. I guess i just do not understand what the purpose really is.

Yes, tonight I got extremely angry with this stupid country and it's "dating culture." I came back to my room after walking the loop a few times by myself and had to listen to a song. Here is an excerpt.

I feel so mad
I feel so angry
Feel so calloused
So lost confused
Feel so cheep
So used unfaithful
Lets start over
Lets start over

Sometimes I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could give
I wish I could change the world
For you and me”
– Boxcar Racer

Ok...so perhaps i got a little too bend out of shape over this matter. Oh well, I really did try to not think about it, but I just could not help it. So i ended up analyzing the matter as much as i could on the limited information i had. I am doing a lot better now! Yes, I unloaded on my roommate, filled him in on my not so great thoughts about dating. Now things are good, but for the sake of everyone out there, I blogged on the matter, and yes feedback is much appreciated.

the fortress

ah yes...saturday has come upon us yet again. being productive seems to be something that is getting farther and farther from the reality today will bring. since i was feeling so very ambitious in what i will accomplish today i decided to blog. yes, i have a lot to do. no, i will probalby not do it today.

anyway, bethany and stu triggered a gazillion thoughts about friendship so i figured i would throw my two cents in; specifically focusing on communication and the importance it bears.

much like bethany i have not had friends for long periods of time. a lot of that probably has to do with the fact that i was constantly being torn out of my world and placed into a new one just about every three years. my theory is that this created this internal defense system against getting too close to anyone. in appearance many would say that i am an extremely open person. i do let people know a lot about myself, and i really do try to be an open book. i don't want to hide anything. however, contrary to my desires, there is a huge "chunck of burns" that few people know. the reason...well opening the lines of communication with friends is easy, opening them all the way is extremely difficult. part of communication is letting friends know who you are...in every way. if a person can see deep inside of you, see those inner most weaknesses and fears. if a friend can poke at those inner most scars to help them heal. then communication is really open. then you know that you really have a friend for life, as nothing stands in between them and you. however, if we put walls up communication is blocked. i know i can put walls up wherever i want. it is my heart. they are my emotions. i can let someone in as far as i want.

i picture my being as a castle. my natural tendency is to let people in the outer gates, but into none of the buildings inside my fortress. i push myself to let people in the atrium of palace, but for them to start walking up the stairs toward the master bedroom is almost unheard of. in others words i let people see my emotions. i let my friends see how i feel and react to things, but few people if any will ever be allowed to see my fears and scars (honestly i wonder if i see them very often). the atrium of my palace must be a relatively fun place to hang out as i have many friends that chill there; i think of it like a feast where people are chilling and having a good time.

it's only a matter of time till my friends end up leaving the atrium, and they can one of two ways. the first is clearly to leave the atrium and go out into the courtyard where there are games and entertainment for everyone. the second option is one that is rarely chosen. essentially what must happen is that i have to start walking up the stairs toward my room, and someone follows me. i don't invite people to see my inner most self, but some get there. this has not happened many times in life. few have seen the decorations on the walls of my room. but those few and select friends are the ones i know i will have forever. oddly enough all of those people who really know me end up physically leaving where i am geographically. my great friend cabeen is in columbia. my friend fluff is in dallas and hard to reach. and others are spread around the world as well.

the crazy thing about this whole scenario is that if i don't let people into that master bedroom from time to time: it implodes on itself...and it is every so tidious to rebuild it. and i really don't like carrying all those decorations down to the atrium, because then all of my friends can see those fears and scars.

my point in saying all this is that the long lasting friendships have complete openness. only those who really know our weaknesses and our fears want to continue being our friends forever. you don't have to agree with me on these matters, but these are my views on the matter.

oh yeah...i can't believe i almost forgot this. I was overcome with thinking and forgot the announcement i wanted to make.

Thursday, October 31 8:00 PM Apt. 13D
"Costume get-together toward the end of October"

You are all invited. The idea is to come in a costume. Also, it would be great if you also brought some kind of snack food, or a soda...and if you feel ambitious brownies are apprecited also!! Anyway...come on down we'll have a good time =D

are you you?
am I me?

The other day I happened to be reading through an old journal entry, and I found the following.

"If I do not challenge something, and take it as truth, I am living somebody else’s life. I must make all I think and believe mine."

Do I really believe everything I 'believe?' My parents were missionaries. My Dad knows the Bible better than anyone i know; he can quote and reference a passage applicable to just about any situation straight off the top of his head. Both of my parents are extremely strong-willed (much like myself), perhaps they brain washed me from the days of my youth till i left the house. In the last 5 or 6 years I have really been challenged in my own beliefs and i even doubted my own beliefs - the 'impardonable' sin. I put myself through a phylosophy class at a secular school. I went to Deep Ellum just about every weekend for a year and was challenged by random strangers who wanted to prove my "christianity" wrong. I spent endless hours in the quiet of my room (whatever city, whatever year, whatever continent I may have found myself on) questioning the very existence of God. I know what my parents told me. I know all the "right" answers. I was that kid every sunday school teacher of every church we visited while on furlow loved. I could answer all the questions. In recent years, however, things have changed. I have become that "rebellious" missionary kid that comes to church and instead of answering questions asks questions the sunday school teacher cannot answer. I question everything i believe. I know deep inside there still are many beliefs of mine that I have not questioned...but i'm getting there. I want my faith to be mine. I am not a Baptist. I am not a Presbyterian. I am burns a sorry attempt at being a follower of Christ, but at least i'm trying. I do not believe (or try not to) anything somebody tells me is true. I would rather be the scum of the earth and know that I believe what i believe because I believe it, than to be the very Pope in Rome head of the entire catholic church and believe something because the last seventeen gazillion catholics did. These are at least my aspirations. I know I am human. I tell myself I can be different. I tell myself that I really can think and believe completely on my own without any outside influence, but I'm just fantasizing. We are to some extent products of our environments. What we choose to do with the influences on our lives, however, is entirely up to us. What do you believe? Are we living someone else's life?

"Question everything." - Roger Gonzalez

did i miss my bus?

it has been a day...that's for sure. i thank God that He put some great people behind me in prayer...lost a great friend (no not to death) for good reasons. i respect this friend for making such a choice...what comes to mind are the lyrics from the Get Up Kids

“Your good intentions count for little anymore” – Get Up Kids

thankfully this person didn't just have good intentions...but better had a God-focused motive...and that is awesome!! anyway...that was part of my day today...and yesterday too...oddly enough...i haven't really been down about this...i guess that's totally God...and as you read the rest of this entry...i'm sure u'll realize i'm not on the down side of life.

ok...so tonight...yeah...being the ever so diligent student i am...and being somewhat preoccupied lately with thinking and praying...i still had all of my vibes homework to do...i seriously planned on being up all night...i really did...because i was under the impression i had like 36 problems to do...and i sat down tonight...and i thought to myself "word up yo!" yeah...i only had 9 problems...so yeah that's totally cool...i'm done...i'm gonna get some sleep after all!!

"teach me to be an engineer. I don't care if it takes all day." - some clerk on a Dilbert strip

i would like to thank amy bonner for allowing me to discover which simpsons character i am most like...




if you wanna know such useful information also go to here

yes...ralph rocks...my favorite quote from him is "i can twirl"...ok...so there's a close second too: "sleep, now that's where i'm a viking!"

I would also like to let all of you know that i am secretly taking over the world one finger nail clipper at a time!! no seriously...go check your clippers...odds are they have my last name on them...yeah buddy...my family is just like the mafia...we run this country by use of grooming supplies ;-]

alright dudes...i suppose i will cut out now...but party on

people
ok...so i like to "walk the loop" right, that is by myself...just me, my thoughts, and God...so it's cool! anyway...why is it that people feel compelled to stop me and ask "where are you hiding the girl?" i don't think i'm the only one who likes to "walk the loop" by myself...but anyway...that's just something that really gets to me

it has been an interesting day...my plans for the day were to do my Machine Design homework...but yeah...that was not God's plan for me. my sunday did start out well...rather amusingly actually. shortly after i woke up my roommate walked into the room very annoyed, at least in appearance. turns out...he completely forgot about daylight savings time...hehe...it was funny...he laughed too =D Church was good...enjoyed it much. however, at some point in the sermon pastor randy said "Jesus prunes us.." and all that came to mind at that point were flashbacks from chapel like baskets and fill in the blank powerpoint slides...i eventually steered my attention back to the sermon...but ah...have i been scared for life?...and then came SAGA...turns out today's lunch was not so bad.

anyway...soon there after i found myself in front of my computer IMing back and forth with Dave Wolff...the cause of it turned out to be my BLOG..and what i had written...so we decided to go out to Joe Muggs and chat in person (yes no matter what you may say...in person is better than online). it was most excellent...as i now have a new-found friendship in an old acquaintance...yes Dave is the man! like yeah...God totally provided there...i didn't know it but i needed someone to talk to...and well...it all worked out. anyway...go ahead and party on like you usually do on a sunday night...and bethany don't forget to go to bed this time.

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." -Job

have a splendid week.

human emotions
so what is it about 'feelings' that makes us so uncomfortable? why do we go to all extents to keep our feelings inside as long as we can? i'm pretty sure most people do this...we keep our emotions wrapped inside all those outer layers...the catch is that emotions grow...the longer we keep something inside the bigger it gets...and eventually it will come out. why do we subject ourselves to this self-imposed torture? i mean really...when those 'feelings' come out they come out in huge quantities...and then we stop and think "that was all inside of me?" this thought totally baffles me. yet i know for sure i will do it again and again.

"Here's a thought, if you're willing to listen. I only tell the
truth of the feelings I'm given. Can you hear me now? Listen.
Whispers in the rain. Listen. Don't push love away, you know
you do. It's all we have. It's a chore holding onto a vision.
Don't leave her high and dry. She's the one you'll be missing."
-Juliana Theory

i think people are retarted...but especially guys...i mean seriously...what is wrong with guys...do we really think that we have no emotions? why is it a sign of weakness in men to show 'feelings'? these questions will forever haunt me...and i'd like to say that i am not guilty of trying to be "manly"...but lets face it...i'm just as retarted as the rest of 'em.

ok...that'll do for now, party on dudes =D

yeah...so i'm like not a very technologically capable person or sometin like that. see...i'm trying to get this site up and running right...and back some time ago i learned some html...and it kinda came back to me...and i was able to make another site on which i put my pictures on some free hosting place...so i thought that was pretty cool. anyway, now this site i have is definitely running...there's only one problem...i have no idea what the password is to get in and edit my own site...wut up wit dat yo? see what happened was that they told me they would e-mail me the password...but yeah...still haven't received an e-mail with it...sometin tells me that it's just not coming...grrr...oh well. i am trying to make this a fun site...with nifty little link thingys here to your left...but it's definitely in need of much work. ok well...i continue to try to figure stuff out now...namely...how on earth do ppl put comments up? i cannot figure that out of the life of me...

i think i finally understand the point of having one of these BLOG thingys...yeah so like...i always have a ton to tell the world...and I can't possibly fit it all in my MSN screen name or in my AIM away messages...but at last...a way to communicate my thoughts. Of course this would imply that someone actually would want to read what i write...which is highly unlikely...i just feel "cool" doing this...and by cool i mean artfully nerdy. ok...so i don't feel terribly motivated to proceed in letting my fingers type...as they've been doing that all day...so perhaps tommorow i shall do this again...peace